One Liners

·          I tried being normal once. Worst 2 minutes of my life.

·          Most people aren't sorry; just sorry they got caught.

·          You can never ask a girl her age. There is no such concept. They don't have age but age groups which are: Baby, Babes, Bebe and Biji!

·          The woman who invented the phrase, "All guys are the same", must have been a Chinese who lost her husband at a crowded place in China.

·          I tried being normal once. Worst 2 minutes of my life.

·          Most people aren't sorry; just sorry they got caught.

·          You can never ask a girl her age. There is no such concept. They don't have age but age groups which are:Baby, Babes, Bebe and Biji!

·          The woman who invented the phrase, "All guys are the same", must have been a Chinese who lost her husband at a crowded place in China.

·          It's very rude to talk while I'm interrupting.

·          My new doctor is a very attractive. I have now given up on eating apples.

·          I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. I realized it is very dangerous.

·          Someday your prince charming will come.

·          Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

·          The reason our knees get weak when we fall in love is because of the long walk it took to find the person.

·          I could retire nicely if I could sell my experience for what it cost me.

·          The way petrol prices are increasing in India, it shall eventually be cheaper to just hire people to push your car.

·          "Drink and Drive" should not be a problem now. After all, how many will be able to afford alcohol and petrol on the same day.

·          "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari" knew about the Petrol Price Hike!

·          Finally, it is a dream come true for all eligible girls, the dream man will come on a horse, thanks to the petrol prices!

·          Danger is my middle name.
.
..
...
First name: Avoids
Last name: Completely

·          I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet...
I get hungry.

·          Procrastination? No, I just wait until the last minute to do my work because I will be older, therefore wiser.

·          To all the girls who wear a lot of make-up:
Take it easy, it's a face & not a coloring book.

·          Boy: Are You Single?
Girl: No, I'm Plural.
Boy: No, I mean, are you free this Friday?
Girl: No, I'm expensive!

·          I hate when people tell me to relax. If it was that easy, don't you think I would have done that already?

·          A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me 20,0000 rupees, but it's state of the art." "Really, what kind is it?", asked the neighbor.' The man replied, "Twelve thirty."

·          HEIGHT OF RECESSION
You Swipe The Card
&
Bank A.T.M Machine Shows This Message
.
..
...
"AGEY CHALO BABA"

·          On the rear window of a car:
Always drive in such a way that your licence expires before you do.

Computer

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Financial management

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.

How? The other beggar asked.

First beggar: Some one gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday.

I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-,

And enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.

The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.

I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.

A wonderful example of financial management indeed ;)

Funny Quotes

• If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.

• I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

• I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

• Never try to drown your troubles... especially if she can swim.

• Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

• A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station.

• By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong.

• Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems
which, without them, we wouldn't have.

• There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.


• Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.

• Quit smoking! Take air pollution straight.

• Finally 21 and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing since 15.

• There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right side.

• An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

• Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

• When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

• Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

• Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.

• Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.

• Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Terrorist

A man sees a woman getting chased by a dog. When the dog is about to
bite the woman, the man intervenes and kicks the dog. A reporter was
seeing all this.He said "That was great. I'll definitely publish this
in newspaper.
Tomorrow the headline will be 'LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM A DOG'."
The man replied "Thank you, but I'm not from here. I am from US".

Reporter : "OK.Then the headline will be US CITIZEN SAVES WOMAN FROM A DOG".

Man: Actually, I live in US but I'm not a US citizen. I'm a Pakistani
national".

Next day, the headline in the paper read ....
....
..
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....

TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL DOG.

Telegraphic Mistakes

TELEGRAM #1

============

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams,

which the father receives as: "Father, your daughter has been successful

in BED."



TELEGRAM #2

===========

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a

telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here." The message received by

wife: "I wish you were her."



TELEGRAM #3

===========

A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to

her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the

last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she

offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which

reached as: "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth

to an old lady."



TELEGRAM #4

===========

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he

goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants

put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says: let's put, "you are

not getting older you are getting better". The salesman asks, "how do you

want me to put it?" The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at

the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didn't

start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message

decorated on the cake: "You are not getting older at the top, You are

getting better at the bottom".



TELEGRAM #5

============

A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parent's house in

Delhi.

When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegram to his

wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer. He sent a telegram. When the wife

received the telegram, she fainted. It was written: "Sethji aaj mar gaye!"

(Sethji Ajmer gaye)

Call Center

Just check out y call center guys are paid so high.

PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS ARE PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST BEING
ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK:

1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
--------------------------------------------------
2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
--------------------------------------------------
3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
--------------------------------------------------
4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
--------------------------------------------------
5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
--------------------------------------------------
6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
--------------------------------------------------
7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
--------------------------------------------------
8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

--------------------------------------------------
9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
--------------------------------------------------
10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
--------------------------------------------------
11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
--------------------------------------------------
12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
--------------------------------------------------
13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
--------------------------------------------------
14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
--------------------------------------------------
15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
--------------------------------------------------
16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his
computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and
it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is
an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let
me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
-------------------------------------------------
17) customer care officer:I need a product identification no: right now and
may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?

Sardarji

How did Santa singh attempt to transfer some files from one PC to another
PC....

1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which he wanted to transfer and selected cut option

2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC

3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where he wanted to copy that file

4) And trying to paste it there....!!!!!!!!!

**********************************************************************
Y did Santa singh sign all the cheques in his cheque book...........
.................so that no one else could use them if he lost his
chequebook?!!@@?

**********************************************************************
Santa : We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we will not be able to communicate with my child.
Banta : Is it! Why?
Santa : We have adopted a telugu child and it will start to speak after 6 months

********************************************************************** *****
Once Banta got a party invitation saying..... Black tie only ! At the party
Banta was very shocked to see other people wearing suits also!!!!!!

**********************************************************************
Santa and banta in a football stadium:
Santa: paaji yeh log ball se kya kar rahe hain?
Banta: goal kar rahe hain!!!
Santa:"lekin paaji ball toh pehle se gol hain , aur kitni gol karenge!!!!!!!!!"
**********************************************************************
Santa: My Secret password for e-banking is "ram-sita-lakshman-hanuman-jamwant-delhi-spiderman" Banta: yaar ! itna lamba password ? Santa: kya karoon? Bankwale kehte he ki pswd main 5 character, 1 capital aur ek special character zaroori he !
**********************************************************************
Banta: aapko kabhi kisise pyaar huwa he ? Santa : Haan yaar..par woh manti hi nahi ! Banta: kya kehti he? Santa: kehti hai "I love u 2"..Pata nahi saala ye dusra kaun he !

Amitabh

This is when Amitabh Bachchan got fit after his long illness.....

one fine morning he told his drvier "Arre bhai aaj Gaadi hum chalayenge..".

driver, "Par saab aapki tabyat?.."

amitabh "Aree meri tabyat thik ho gayi he, I am fit and fine...kya dance karke dikhau, dialogue, fighting kare dikhau... ..Hain"

Ok then he starts driving the car very fast.... zoooooooooom

breaks one red signal.........

breaks second red signal..........

breaks on more red signal...........

.

.

.

.

.

.

Then a traffic hawaldar stops the car, tells the car to be sided to the road..

Tells the driver to come out... "Chalo liscence dikhao, puc, gaadi ke kagjaaat..."

Sees amitabh "are Amitabh Bachhan?!!!" he is verysuprised to see him....

...

Then he quickly on wireless calls his senior officers....

"Sir, aap jaldi yaha aye, naake par..."

Sir"KYun kya hua??"

Havaldar:"Sir ek gaadi ne signal toda hai.. aur maine us gaadi ko side me rakha he"

Sir: "To phir?"

hawaldar:"SIr, Us gaadi ka maalik bahut bada aadmi hai sir .... mein uska challan nahi phaad sakta.. aap khud yaha aiye .."

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Sir : KOUN MAALIK HE US GAADI KA??"

HAWALDAR : "WOH TO PATA NAHI SIR PAR USNE NE HAI NA SIR ... AMITABH BACHHAN KO DRIVER RAKHA HAI....".

PJ - Tortoise and rabbit

This is what u call a maha maha pj


Tortoise and rabbit gave CET exam and tortoise got 80% and rabbit got
81%.
Both wanted admission in a good engineering college, cut off was 85%.
Rabbit dint get but tortoise got...


How....????
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.!
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
! .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ans:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Remember tortoise had won the race when you were in first standard......as a kid
So..he got the Sports quota